When Infertility Issues Hand You Lemons...

Write about it.

WARNING: This post contains mentions of the deed, va jay jay's, but so sorry, not for fun, but for knowledge,just an FYI.

Andy and I always hesitate to tell people when we become pregnant. This time was no exception. We learned the hard way the first time. We were married for just a few years when pregnancy #1 occurred We told everyone and their mother that I was pregnant.That pregnancy ended in a flat out miscarriage. We were scared out of our minds, not sure what was happening. My doctor at that time, who has no beside manner what so ever,came down to the ER, examined me, called it a miscarriage and said, 'well this happens a lot with first time pregnancies, just keep trying, you are healthy.' So then came the job of telling everyone, and telling them what happened, over and over again. Not fun. You relive the entire situation every time you speak about it, and no one means to cause you pain, but reliving it is definitely painful.

So the next time it happened, we told each other, not a word, with the exception of close family, until 12 weeks. It wasn't to shut people out, but to protect our hearts.

Except, it wasn't happening. I wasn't getting pregnant. I guess the protocol is a year; after you can't get pregnant for a year, you are stamped as infertile and herded onto an Infertility Specialist. It's an awesome title, let me tell you. My then OB/Gyn referred me to one individual who will remain nameless. After an examination, and some brief blood work, and being treated like a science experiment, and not a patient unable to conceive, he deemed me fine, and that there was no found reason I couldn't conceive. I think I could have paid someone $10 to tell me the same thing.

My aunt recommended her fertility specialists. I won't mention who they are, but if you ask, I will give you raving reviews, and refer you right away. This was a completely different experience. We were sat down one on one with a doctor on the first visit and reviewed everything, the tests, the options, the emotional ups and downs, recommended to 'take breaks', from the whole process once in awhile. Finally, I felt like a person, and not a lab rat. I went through a battery of tests, which I could give you a further explanation on, but would only make this post longer, and you don't want to sit for too long. My 'cycle,' was followed closely. And when I tell you I knew everything about what it took to make a baby, believe me, I knew every single detail, I was a walking Infertility Encyclopedia.

Turns out for Andy and I, thankfully there was nothing seriously wrong with us, his men swam wonderfully and plentifully, and there was no set diagnosis that would prevent me from getting pregnant and having it stick. Phew. But the hitch was this, everything has to be perfect for you to get pregnant. Your temperature, your hormone level, your fluids, the day, the egg, your uterus has to be a friendly environment at that time,(I know right, can it be unfriendly, turns out it can),and when it is laid out just like that, it is a complete miracle people get pregnant so often.

That was just it for me, things were not lining up perfectly, particularly down to the ovulation and my hormones. They rarely matched up to meet perfectly on the same day. They did sometimes, and it was on those sometime moments we would be able to conceive and have a viable pregnancy. i.e., bring home a healthy baby. On top of all of that, I am a carrier of the cystic fibrosis gene. Thankfully, Andy, again, was not and so the chances of us having a baby with this, was slim to none. Recently, I found I was also a possible carrier for Tay-Sachs, another typically fatal auto-immune disease. That. Is awesome. No really, it sucks, obviously. So as you can see, having a baby, as mentioned previously is a miracle, being able to study and know every single detail that goes into that scientifically, is a medical miracle. And for us to bring home a baby, was also going to be a miracle.

So what do you do? You get blood tests once a week every week. When that blood test showed that my levels were getting close to ovulation I went everyday for blood tests and ultrasounds on my ovaries, until the levels were just about perfect, and was told to go home and, well you know.

I think a couple of months into it, I got pregnant, sadly, the hormone levels were not rising like they should have been, and the pregnancy was found to be ectopic. Which is simply, the fertilized egg gets stuck in the fallopian tubes, and does not move to the uterus. This is never ever a viable pregnancy, and the pregnancy will either dissolve, or surgery will have to be done before the fetus starts to grow and burst the tube. Scary stuff. So I was monitored, and again, on a happy side, did not require surgery.

We then took a big break from all the fertility stuff.We were told treatments would have to become more aggressive for it to work. When all you think about is the perfect timing to make a baby for three years, and having people examining your va jay jay becomes second nature, and to have that end in another loss, a vacation from it all is needed.

I then returned about 6 months later ready for the aggressive stuff.I was placed on Clomid, and told I would have to get artificially inseminated. Simply, Andy supplied the goods, which is another story all in itself, and on the day I was going to ovulate, found again, through blood tests, I went into the office, and through a baster, literally, Andy's men were shot inside of me. We did this two times with no success. My Clomid was upped, the chances of twins went up again, we were set to go for an appointment on the 10th of May 2005, for another round, we were in the city, and running late, and so I knew I would never make the appointment, and so instead of wasting a month, we well, you know...and 2 weeks later we found out, Kendall had been made.

I was placed on Progesterone Suppositories for the first 12 weeks, which would only bump the hormones a bit more. I went in for ultrasounds every week until 12 weeks, and labeled 'high risk.' At one of the ultrasounds, when Kendall the Fetus had moved, another sac was revealed, but there was no baby in it. Turns out I had conceived twins, but one had not moved on past fertilization. This I could handle, as long as the other one stayed put, two at one time, was not an option. Kendall stuck around, and at week 12, I was discharged to my, new and bedside manner induced, OB/GYN.

Kendall Anne was born healthy as a horse on February 13, 2006.

So what do you do about thinking about another? We didn't. We had our little girl, and I thought, well if we are going to have another we will go through the same testing all over again. When Kendall was 4 months old, I found out things had lined up perfect again, and I was pregnant with Ethan. Same protocol though, suppositories, weekly ultrasounds, and then released to my OB/GYN, but this time at 10 weeks.

Ethan Thomas was born healthy has a hog, he was a big boy, on March 25, 2007.

Time for a break, right?

So we took one.

Being naive and thinking nothing could go wrong, 2 successful pregnancies in a row, perhaps the worst was behind us, we decided to start trying again. I didn't even think to refer to a Fertility Specialist. And also thinking it might take awhile, I was surprised when the body sent me the message, 'You are pregnant.' I took the test, it was positive. This time I was much more relaxed, called the fertility specialist, but thought, oh I don't even think I have to go to them. They thought it was best for me to come in and get things checked out. Turns out they know best.

I started blood tests, suppositories, and my levels were rising. The first ultrasound was scheduled and went good. The baby was measuring a week off, but my cycle was always off, so what's a week? I went back the next week and this doctor was concerned. There was a blood clot, the baby was not growing like it should have been, and she couldn't find a heartbeat. I was sent to another doctor in the practice for a second opinion. I went to see him the next day. It was true, there was a blood clot, the baby wasn't measuring what it should be if my cycle was on, but it never was. He then was doing some more exploratory stuff of the uterus, and then turned to the nurse, and asked, 'Liz what is this?' I immediately thought the worse, I looked at her and thought, 'not only am I losing a baby, they found a tumor and I am going to die.' After a few moments, she said,'well that looks like a heartbeat.' Sounds like a happy ending?

Well I was told to be on as much bed rest as I could possibly be, not to lift the babies, and to take it easy. This baby had a 50/50 chance, and to come back in week. Of course, it wasn't as brief as that, and they were kind, and told me the reality of the situation.

Yesterday was my appointment, and it was not good news for us. The heartbeat was slowing, the baby was still not growing, and the blood clot was bigger. I was ready for this. The blessing and the curse of going to a fertility clinic and knowing all the facts and figures, and being able to see the pregnancy early on, is just that you know what is happening. I knew that a blood clot was a bad thing, and that a baby not growing was even worse. You still pray for a miracle, but it isn't always delivered.

A lot of people say, well you have 2 healthy babies, a boy and a girl at that, for some reason, that doesn't make it any easier, my reaction and my grief is still the same. I get angry when I have miscarriages and I sit on that for awhile. I get angry at myself, at God, at my body, luckily all of those things can handle the anger I am throwing out. I cry and get quiet, but fortunately this time I have my blog. I get frustrated my clothes don't fit because despite losing a baby, the progesterone still makes you bloat, and gain weight, and I have nothing to show for it, and now have to watch what I eat instead of burrowing my sorrows in eight hot fudge sundaes.

The reason is simple and I know it, I knew it the first time. The reason God puts me through this is because he gave me a voice, and it is really loud. Since the first miscarriage, since the first hormonal issue, God has put people in my way that are going through the same thing and can either uplift me, or I can do that for them. This is His refresher course, a hard one, but again, His. Of course, today, my fingers are doing the talking, but a lot more people read this on a daily basis then I talk to.

On top of this, this time I get the added lesson of appreciating the babies I have more. If you don't already know, let me throw it out there again, I put everything into Kendall and Ethan, but it still gets frustrating, tiring, and some days you just want to go and hide. But to get hit with the reality, that I was given two miracles to shape and nurture, that there was no mistake in it, I saw the hormone levels when the doctor said, 'it's now or never.'

Despite that and knowing, I know it is normal to be sad, which I am. I know I will be jealous when I see or hear of a pregnant woman, but it will go away. I am allowed to be sad, I am allowed to be angry, but I am also called to hug my babies a little tighter, and to share it.

So this is my Lemonade.

50 & Fabulous

I am sure it is not this way for my parents, but I feel as though they age slowly, not that I want them to age quickly, but over this past week they will both turn 50. Yes, that is all, 50. They may think that they are old, but Oprah says that 50 is the new 30. I feel like she says that every time she reaches a new decade. She acts like she is embracing this new found age, like no one else has ever turned 60 the way she will turn 60. When in reality she is grasping at ways to make this new age, hip. When she is about to reach this new milestone her shows will evolve around women who do not look their age, some new fangled exercise that will make you do a back bend like a 15 year old, a new hair-do, she will dance on stage with Tina Turner again, or Dr. Oz will come on and tell her just how long she is going to live, which last time I tuned in was like 120. I mean and let's just face it, Oprah is the Dali Lama to many women. Sometimes I even find myself saying things that Oprah has said, and one of my greatest wishes is to be in the audience when Oprah is listing off her Favorite Things, admit it, you would too. And you know as well as I do, Barack Obama owes a lot to Oprah. An example would be that if Oprah said that the best ice cream in the world is Rocky Road, I guarantee the sales of Rocky Road would sky rocket, that's all I am going to say about that.

So with all that in mind, and according to Oprah, 50, is nothing, your life it just beginning. I suppose this is how it has been my entire life, most of my peers had parents that were much older than mine. I am the oldest child, and was born when my parents were 19. So when I turn 50, my parents will only be turning 70. In many cases, I feel like I am aging faster than them, like at some point, I may just pass them.

My parents also have birthdays 4 days apart, and for as long as I can remember we always celebrated their birthdays together. And so when I was little, I thought that once you were married your birthday became a shared day, and I remember thinking, I am never getting married, who would want to share a birthday? No other singular married person's birthday registered to me, but my parents at that point. Soon it began to become a little clearer to me, but I still thought, no way would I marry someone who had a birthday close to mine. Birthdays have and always will have some magical, self-centered ideal to them to me. I mean ask Andy, an entire week is set aside to let the birthday person reign over the house, so how can that possibly happen if you have a birthday so close to someone else's you live with? Same with having your birthday so close to Christmas, those unfortunate people, you always get the shaft. My poor parents. For this reason I married Andy, his birthday is in March. Ok, so it wasn't one of the top reasons, you got me, but definitely in the Top 5...ok, but it was a perk.

My sisters and I had a dinner on Saturday night for our immediate family, and then we had a dessert and wine party for extended family after that, all to celebrate our Mom and Dad's birthdays. I did all of this while having a stomach bug, so I can just about guarantee that some of our lucky guests will have gone home with that party favor. Andy opened his yesterday, and let me tell you, he can attest to it, best party favor yet, it lasts 24 hours. UPDATE: To this moment, 2 more people have opened theirs, congratulations, and thanks for coming to the party.



I suspect a good time was had by all, and if not, at least they got some good wine and desserts out of it. Which by the way, Amy will have to post her recipe for that cheesecake thing she made because it was all the rave. I offered Kendall a piece, and she said to me, 'Mommy, I already ate dinner, I not want grilled cheese.' I suppose it might have looked like a grilled cheese sandwich, but I can assure you, did not taste like it.

Speaking of them, I think that Kendall and Ethan had a good time. They love being with their cousins. Quite a few times I spotted Kendall and Brynnie zipping up to the table to grab a chocolate covered pretzel stick. So they for sure had some sugar highs, and an extreme low, when this activity was flagged by Brynnie's mean Daddy, Uncle Tim, what a party pooper. No, 4 is not enough, it's a dessert party for crying out loud.There was mention of some games they were playing by Kendall on Sunday while driving to church. I couldn't make sense of any of them she was talking about, so I can only imagine it was games the older kids made up to boss the others around. It always feels good to have someone listen to every instruction you are giving them, and in return to receive the attention of an older and clearly much cooler and wiser cousin.

Ethan is a happy clam whenever any activity is centered around or involving his Pop. Pop is for sure his best friend. So since this party was for Pop, Ethan was in full birthday party mode. On the side, it is worth mentioning, if within 24 hours we are going to be seeing Pop, I will dangle this prospect over Ethan's head for motivation, incentive, and yes, bribary, and let me tell you it works, and I am all over that. i.e.,'Ethan, don't forget we are going to see Pop. Now you know he wouldn't like if he knew you were sitting on top of Kendall diabling her airway, get up, or I will tell him.' Instantly he is up and Kendall's face loses that blueish shade, it's so wonderful.

This is Aunt Nancy. While on the subject of looking fabulous at any age, this woman might out do Oprah, since her skinny, (60 year old), tight, I might also add, butt can rock a pair 7 jeans like it's nobody's business. Back onto the party, I noticed when she arrived that the security tag from the store she purchased her super cute blazer from was still attached to the side of it. After informing her that shop lifiting is a crime, even in today's economy, this became hilarious as she paraded around the house showing everyone. But this became even more hilarious after all the ladies had consumed their wine...you have no idea how funny family picture taking can be when the woman wearing the security tag has had 4 glasses of wine and is posing you in the most obscure sibling pics of all time as if you were The Partridge Family.
Today is my Mom's Birthday and she says she is celebrating this by doing nothing. Could you imagine taking that statement literally? How boring 50 might be. But I doubt that will be the case, 5 bucks says my Dad brings home crab cakes for dinner.

So Happy Birthday Mom and Dad. 50 never looked better.

My Iphoner

Does your husband have one? I am warning you now, discourage it in every way possible. This new fangled technology has taken over Andy. It is his prized materiel possession, the cream of the crop, I think it may have just surpassed his giant television. gasp.

This is my undercover observation of Andy with the iphone last night. He gets home from work, loves on the kids as I finish dinner, plugs it in to charge. A few minutes later the kids are back to doing what they were doing before he arrived, and no kidding, he walks to the counter, grabs it, and then sits in a chair while looking up who knows what. The vibes the phone was sending to him were to great to resist. What in the world could possibly be on that phone that is just so fabulous? So we sit down to eat, he plugs it in, it is bath time, and he again grabs it. For what? What did he do before the iphone? Is there instructions on how to bathe a child on it? Is that the latest 'app?' And let me tell you the only reason that iphone didn't eat dinner with us is because he knows without even me having to say it, that phone is not invited. So well trained. Sometimes.

I then proceed, to of course, watch American Idol, and he disappears to his man cave to watch the games that were on, oh and Biggest Loser.

Later, I fall asleep. This morning, I am woken up by that stupid glow of the phone. Really? Did he just do that? Yes, he awoke, and went right downstairs to get that phone. I can see him through the crack in the bathroom door, standing there, playing with the phone. You have got to be kidding me? He then, thanks to his iphone, what would he do without it, realizes he is up to early, so what does he do, climbs back in bed with the eternal glow.

He is like a child with a new video game system, but wait that's right, he is 32 years old. 2 other neighbors have it. We were having a cook out, one of them was missing, but the other two sat there playing with their phones. Life, was occurring around them. What were they looking for, the best way to grill a burger, there must be an app for that. The one that was missing was in Pittsburgh, is in no way innocent because I can guarantee that as they sat on theirs here, he was on his there.

Driving in the car the other day, I warned him I would blog about this, he turns to me and proclaims, 'Everyone should have one of these,' oh yeah really, why is that? 'Because I am certain that if you were in a hostage situation and you had this phone, you could get out of it.'

Did a man with a college degree just say that? You should have an iphone in case for some reason you are held hostage? What are the chances of that really? I think that someone thinks too much about his phone. I told him to suggest an app for that to apple, see where he gets with that. Isn't it feasible to get out of any hostage situation if you have any phone on you by simply dialing 911? And what are the chances that if you were held hostage your captors would let you have a phone? And how are you going to hide that big glow screen from them?

I am also going to say that he also thought it was super cool that he could get an email from me at work while going to the bathroom. Ok people, you on board now?

He actually thinks about downloading games, 'for the kids to play,' and then proceeds to tell them, 'don't touch it, i will push it,you tell me what to push.' Lots of fun, right? I want to get in on that game.

Do I think it is cool? Um, I guess so. However, Andy takes it one step further. Much like sports, I do not like watching sports anymore because of the overload I have been exposed to, it is insane. I think I have watched more sporting events then an average person will in their lifetime, and I don't even watch them anymore. So the iphone, overload. I am over it, before I even got started.

Pretty soon there is going to be talks about iphone addictions, and then iphone anonymous, and I will sign him up, along with me attending the meeting next door, spouses of iphone addicts.

He might think I am jealous I don't have one...that is why I am blogging about. No trust me honey, until they create an app that will produce arms out of the side of the phone that will change diapers, do dishes, and fold laundry, its all yours.

Oh you know I love you, Andy.

But I have a job to do for other women out there through my blog, warn them of things that they don't see coming, until it is too late.

Warning to all you Nose Pickers...

This could happen to you.

Be Safe. Don't pick your nose.

A Public Service Announcement from Ethan.

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.

Chalkboard Art ~Aidan McCay

So we celebrated Ethan's 2nd Birthday with family on Saturday night. When telling Ethan we were having a birthday party for him, he replied, 'naaahhhhhh.' This kid truly does not like to be the center of attention. He saw the gifts come in, and that still did not deter him much. However, like with many parties, Molly and Brynn were there, and where Molly and Brynn are, happiness typically follows for Kendall & Ethan.



We visited a bit, let the kids play, and then decided to sing 'Happy Birthday.' I had made Ethan a Plex cake. Since Yo Gabba Gabba is one of his favorite shows and a Plex cake was much easier then a Wiggles Cake. Ethan recognized that it was Plex right away, and that was good enough for me, I never claimed to be a pastry chef.
So we all start singing, Ethan is all smiles, then he realizes that everyone is looking at him, immediate realization, 'They are looking at me, smiling, and singing. Mommy said this was my party...' Panic set in, and then the flush to the face of embarrassment, and then tears. Andy got him under control enough to convince him to blow out his candles, and once he was completely distracted and the song was part of history, he bounced back.

Ethan then opened all of his presents, and had us read every word of every card, he called them books. He opened the present from my sisters, and when I asked what it was he exclaimed, 'A BIG BOX!' Little did they know was that all they had to get him was this box and he would have been just so happy. It really was a Little Tikes Sand & Water Play Table for playing outside. We got Ethan a tricycle, and I wanted one similar to what I had had when I was little, that retro look, but I also wanted it to have a push handle so that I didn't have to break my back teaching him how to pedal this summer. I found a few that I liked, but didn't want to pay the price, my mom found this Radio Flyer at a second hand toy shop, with handle, and I was as happy as a pig in mud.


So E is 2. Terrible 2's at that, but nowhere near Kendall's Terrible Two level at this age, so it is tolerable.