Pick of the Week

I have to say, some of these youtube videos lately make me laugh out loud. This one just made my day.

Man...I totally just fell in love with this kid. Want to pinch his cheeks and shake his hands. Kendall wants to be his Secretary of State. Some days kids opinions should be our opinions. Today is one of those days. Who doesn't need a pep talk?

'I Love Hamsters!'

You can just go ahead and call me a sucker. That is seriously what this post encompasses.

I would like to start off by asking why children ages 7 to 10 years old want to have small rodents as pets? I am quite certain that 88% of elementary school's population either wants one or has one or a gaggle.

One day in December, my daughter announced that she would just love one. I already was a loser in this battle since she and her father agreed that they would be the greatest hamster owners of all time and I wouldn't have to worry about taking care of it at all.

So you know how that goes. I still laugh at this classic line; you don't have to worry I will take care of this pet. I believe it is mandatory statement in life on the check list. God's like, 'yup, got that one down, on to the next one which happens at a sleepover....Mom, I promise we will go to sleep when you say it's time.

So Bailey came home. Cause why? Cause I'm a sucker.

Oh and Bailey is a dwarf hamsters, and this 2 inch rodent was picked because they don't bite...uh huh.

What I didn't know about hamsters previous to owning one was that they are up all.night.long. It's really awesome. And what they do is run on their wheel, all.night.long. So here's what. When wheel and cage came home it was tooted that said wheel is just wonderful. It's plastic and doesn't squeak like its metal counter parts. Instead it gets to sound like a hallow barrel rolling down a hill, all.night.long. Really great invention.

 So Bailey was danced around with. Bailey was placed on everyone's head, and 'isn't it so cute, Bailey just ran up my pant leg.' I assured said person that it would not be cute if Bailey did in fact bite and bit her who-ha.

Said child had library one day at school.This child only brings home non fiction animal books. Books about poodles, and parrots, and rabbits. My mother's comment was, 'oh she just loves books about animals.' I really didn't have the heart to tell her that Kendall could really care less about library but has to check out a book. So girl walks in and walks to the same spot she always does, grabs a book, and her job is done. I know this because, 'I Love Shi Tsus!,' has come home like 5 times already. Girl does not love Shi Tsus that much.

I will go off a little bit here and tell all you that I read to this child and still do religiously. When she was an infant I was reading to her as she came out of the womb. Presently, she is required to read or be read to 15 minutes daily, at some points this is like pure punishment. So in the study that children who are read to daily develop a healthy hobby of reading is so not true as of yet for my lab rat. It kind of breaks my heart a little bit. I am all like, 'We can read chapter books together!!! Let's go read Little House on the Prairie!!' Girl is all like talking to herself about her loose teeth within five minutes, then attempting to find lost book mark so that it is ready, because, 'two chapters is good for tonight.' I tell her she has no idea what she is missing out on, apparently this does not matter. I can only hope that Ramona the Pest at some point becomes so very entertaining, otherwise I have failed her.

But on this particular library day girl is ecstatic. In her 'go to' spot she picked out a winner. A book about hamsters, perfectly entitled, 'I Love Hamsters.' Riveting.

So we read it after dinner that night. As the sentence is coming out of my mouth I am regretting it, but that night my brain must not have been functioning on all cylinders because I couldn't ad lib fast enough and stop myself. 'Hamsters do well in pairs. They enjoy the company and warmth of another Hamster, and have proven to become what might be the human equivalent of lonely on their own.'
Awesome.

Immediately. 'Oh no, poor Bailey, she must be so very lonely.' I tried to assure both the oldest boy and Kendall that I was certain that dwarf hamsters are different and they like to be alone. Yeah, well see what happens as your children grow is they catch onto your little deterrents. 'Well Mommy, I think the book would say that, like say that hamsters are lonely when the only one in a cage, except for the dwarf hamster, and it doesn't, Mommy.' So Bailey was cried and apologized to on a nightly basis.
'We are so sorry Bailey that you are all alone in that big cage.' I could not take the weeping or the delaying of bed time. And here's my f-d up brain, what's one more? So they had to do chores for two weeks. These kids wiped freaking toilet seats.

So another female hamster was brought home. Star Fire.  Cause Why? Cause I'm a sucker. The requirement I had was that this thing must have a who-ha. I went as far as to tell them that if a male was brought home and babies were made that the male then eats the babies. I have no idea if this is true or not. Maybe I heard it somwhere, or totally made it up...that happens a lot when raising children. However, it is now a fact in my house.

Here's what everyone, but me, forgot. We have a two year old child. It does not matter where you put the cage of hamsters. This child scales walls. On a good day he will come downstairs no fewer then two times with a hamster in his hand telling us, 'ook, ook, Bawee loves me, awwww...' as he squeezes it, stretches it, rubs it on his face,and has the thing crawling all over his arms. And here is the kicker. Occasionally, two year old will not mention that he has freed a hamster. And he will take it to playroom. He then must get totally involved in trucks and then all of a sudden remembers he had a hamster twenty minutes ago. He will then come find me and say, 'uhh Ma-yee, Bawee is lost.' So then I have to spend an hour looking for a neutral colored three inch hamster in a 500 square foot pile of toys. Really rad. As this is going on I have girl standing in the midst of this, who mind you is a future oscar winning actress, weeping like it is the end of the world.'If anything, anything happens to Bailey or Star Fire, I will just die. I want pink roses at my funeral, I won't be able to live another day without them. Jacob, I just cannot believe you are so careless. Mommy, this is devastating!'

Stanley however hates these things. He tries so very hard to behave when they are out and flying around on the children's arms as I instruct him to be a good boy. He shakes with anxiety sure that the kids are going to get their eyeballs eaten out. Of course we find this incredibly entertaining.

 

What!?!?! Your family doesn't totally hang out in Power Ranger costumes while torturing animals?

Lillian on the other hand could really care less, she just wants to know why her food bowl is empty and where she can sleep the day away.

Hamsters live two years on average.
I have now invested two years of my life to cleaning hamster turds out of a cage.
Because as you know, if you are a mom, it doesn't matter what they say or promise, the animals are yours whether you wanted them or not. It's part of our contract.

And Star Fire completely bit my nose the other night while attempting to read a chapter book with the girl. Totally want a refund.

A Letter to the Two Year Old

Dearest Jake:

If you could be ever so kind, will you please now refrain from waking up at 3 a.m. demanding junk food? As you know, I cannot resist a treat, however 3 a.m. is where my sweet tooth draws the line. Midnight Snack, dude, no later. We had this discussion at the boob a few years back, maybe though this time you will get the message.

Also, would you please stop bullying your older and bigger brother and sister? I know, on occasion, I too find it somewhat funny that they squeal and run away from a two year old. But see when you grab the light saber and start swinging it like an ax, I worry about picture frames and my owl figurines getting smashed to smithereens. Beyond that, when your siblings start screaming in my ear like they are in some horror film and hanging on me, again, this is where I draw the line.

Since I have you, I must squeeze in this request. Will you please eat normal meals? Seriously. The bagel and cream cheese, cereal, french fry diet you've got going on makes me a bad mother. How about a nice and healthy Go Gurt? Oh, that's right, you slurped down all 8 of those yesterday. Irregardless, kids your age eat fruits and vegetables. Or how about a chicken leg? You can even dip it in ranch and ketchup.

I also find the need to let you know that jumping on the bed after I have made it, is just not acceptable. Your brother has 5 zillion stuffed animals that I just arranged to his obsessive compulsive likeness and when you jump, they just scatter. And please stop asking if how high you jump is awesome - o.k., maybe it's a little awesome, do you have springs in your heels?

Opening the front door when religious solicitors knock during the days is not o.k. We don't need to be hospitable to everyone, most especially when you answer with no pants on, let the dog out, and I have clearly instructed you to stand frozen nice and quietly in the kitchen like me and that we are playing a really fun game. You are potty training, you are 2 years old, and you are not the welcome wagon. Just because they hold a bible in their hands doesn't mean they are your friends and want to play choo choos.

And another thing, the grocery store is not an obstacle course military boot camp, or a running track. I am sorry to be the one to break this news to you. People don't find it cool that you and your brother can jump over a box of bananas. I also don't think they will be cheering the two of you on as you race down aisle six and slide across the end cap, 'finish line.' I am also quite certain that the shelf stocker doesn't find it absolutely fascinating that you and E can slither behind boxes of food on the bottom shelf only knocking down five or six boxes from one end to the other. I'm just saying.


I also feel that as your mother I need to tell you that when volunteering at the SPCA, its is not recommended that you put a cat in a half nelson and then ask, 'you like me, Meow?' Not all cats are like Lillian, she is fat and lazy and doesn't give two sacks of cat nip what you do to her as long as she is fed.

The bathtub, my love, is not a pool. Despite what your brother says' he did not learn his mad swimming skills from practicing in the tub. He is just a plain old 5 year old fibber. So please stop jumping from the toilet into the tub, the floor is going to rot right through to the kitchen floor.

Arguing with me at 6 a.m. about what you want to watch on t.v. is just not kosher. Diego is not on all the time like Sex & the City and The Big Bang Theory. I realize this is unfair, I mean you only have 600 channels to choose from that are something "Jr", times are tough. And Little Bill needs to be your favorite? Could you pick a show that is on anymore random?

Hey, and how about we sit down and get serious about some potty training? You're clearly ready. You can't fool me, ask your siblings. So stop hiding in the corners with your face all red, and quit grabbing your wiener to get ready to feel the warmth come into the front of your diaper like its a magic trick. Quit blaming everyone else for the foul smell in the playroom. Mom Mom doesn't poop in her pants, like you are claiming. And also, not everyone wants to know that your belly hurt so you pooped and now it's better; especially not the librarian.

And lastly, please stop asking me about wieners and if someone has one or not, it's a little embarrassing. It's not appropriate to stop and point and a person and then ask me, 'Ma-yee, that guy have a wiener? That girl have a wiener?' And I'm pretty sure that everyone is aware that I don't have a wiener since I am dragging three kids around that came out of me, so please stop announcing when we arrive at somewhere new, 'Ma-yee not have a wiener.' It's not a public service announcement to be made.

Now saying all that, I think you should know that all of this becomes irrelevant when you squeeze me tight and tell me you love me, covering my fave with your slobbery snotty kisses. You have made all of this obsolete with your uncanny use of manners. Could you get on your brother and sister about gettin down with some? That would be great. With all of your sweet little two year old quirks and entertaining sense of humor beyond your years you have me, so my complaints become unnecessary. You're awfully cute, so 3 am ain't  all that bad, so long as you snuggle with me and pass the M &M's.

Love,
Mommy
XOXO

Tuesdays Tantrum Round 2

Yo. This kid is in it to win it. In the midst of a week gone by this kid just takes the cake this time around...again. Don't think there are angels among us. The other two had themselves their fair share. The girl had a few. One of the the best ones was her overly tired, not wanting to get ready for school, and melting completely into the floor telling me that her leggings were 'not the right kind of tight' to wear under a jean skirt. Oh, my bad. I couldn't get a clear picture of this contender because the child was convulsing on the floor as if there perhaps was electric shocks coming from these leggings as well. Oh, but she went to school in those leggings and the jean skirt...I don't play. I also put on the excuse note, under the reason for tardiness: Kendall's leggings were not tight enough today. For emphasis, when writing this at the front desk, I read it aloud for said child to hear that I was writing this...needless to say leggings will never again be, 'not the right kind of tight.'

The beast also had his own. It was too dark at 3 a.m. in his room to capture the best one. This child apparently thinks its totally cool with me on occasion to scream my given by birthing name in the middle of the night. When I respond to him, face to face, as he stands completely alert in his crib,  he tells me he wants an orange Popsicle as if I am going to say...'you know what, I just woke up from a dead sleep and craved the same thing...let's go get two and turn on Disney Jr...screw sleep.'  Anyone who know me knows...you wake me up in the middle of the night you better be barfing all over the place, not asking for Popsicles. So this child was told, no, and to go back to sleep. That response was totally uncalled for, according to him, and the fit he threw was to let me know of this. This child will be in a crib until he is 16, I will just keep elongating the rails.

But this one by Ethan won out. 1. Because I captured it and 2.because as previously mentioned, the wii is about to be run over.

This weasel is obsessed with Mario Kart. For this single reason; he is good at it. He will only now play with those who are also what he deems as good at it. So Kendall, Jake, and the Mom Moms are out, as well as Aunt Meghan because according to Ethan she is not very good with video controllers or pumpkin carving. Ok, so I totally added pumpkin carving, but it's justified.

So when playing with him, you need to be totally focused and you need to play to the best of your ability...apparently these are also requirements in his contract. So you are not allowed to have conversation in between races, put the controller down, be on the phone, or rise from the couch. FOCUSED. And you NEVER EVER give the remote to Jake to have a try. Jake gives the remote back within seconds, after his request when he realizes he has no idea what he is doing, but see now you are behind, you are losing the race!!!! Ethan's meltdown as begun, and then he starts losing and, 'See, SEE!!!!! this is what happens when you don't play serious Mommy!!!!! Look, I just fell off the road and now I'm in 10th place because you gave the remote to Jake!!! Don't laugh, this is not funny, be serious and play Mommy!!!! MOMMMMMYYYYY!!!!! PLAY FOR REAL!!!!'

I'm still laughing.

Tuesdays Tantrum

Kids do the the darndest things don't they?
So precious and sweet. So cute and endearing.
My most favorite part about them is their ability to drop everything; every sense of rational thought and behavior. Their instinct built inside of them, just below the surface is to just melt down in any given situation or place if things just aren't going their way. The best part about it is no one is completely sure of what the triggor might be. I mean you've got your hot topics; the word 'no' is a great one. You might think, 'oh I've got these weasels down and steer clear of places and things that set my kids off.' All the best to you and your ability to have no life. Beyond that, is that these little mood suckers have their sensors on and they know just when you think you might have it together they just drop to the floor and kick and scream over not getting an icee at Target when you are leaving, which you specifically told them, upon entering Target that they were not getting today because it is 25 degrees out.

Oh but you see, my children forget my supermom power of tuning them out. We mom's can continue with phone conversations, shopping, cooking, picking out library books, standing in line at the post office all while a beast is freaking out below us. When the task is complete we can lift our child with one arm, by one warm, toss them into their seats,  and buckle them. We can then continue home singing along to the radio, to then again pick up the offending mutant by one arm again, take them into the home, while carrying all shopping bags in other arm, then drop them into their beds, closing the door behind you, without saying a word. We can then take a deep breath peek our heads back in and tell them, 'this behavior is not accepted, you are in your room because of it until further notice, and to really hit it home, there is fire coming out of our mouths and smoke out of our noses.

I will admit, give me a whole day of freak outs and tantrums by all 3 children, well at the end of the day I too am having my own tantrum, and all rational thought is out the window. You might catch me by 7 p.m. threatening them that they are never ever going to play wii again because if they don't knock it off I am going to take it outside and just run it right over. But what I have learned is that it simply does not matter what you do, say, or how great of a parent you may think you are. Children are going to tantrum all over town. The more children you have, the louder the tantrums get because they are now competing for world's best tantrumer.

But let me just give you some encouragement. If you stop and look at the tantrum and why they actually are tantrumming, it can be quite humorous. Because you cannot ever be a tantrum free home, and if you are, I think that is just plain weird, what else are you sweeping under your carpets? On occasion I can also be found reenacting the tantrum for my child to show them just how ridiculous this might be. So I will drop to the floor and start kicking and screaming because I cannot get any of the caps off the markers, telling them it's no fair and that nothing ever works for me, EVER!!!!!

I have now started photographing the best tantrums, the most ridiculous of the tantrums, because sometimes I just cannot believe a tantrum is being thrown in regards to whatever subject at hand.

A few weeks ago I posted this pic of Jake throwing a tantrum in Target. Why might he be throwing this tantrum? Oh because I wasn't parking the cart the way he wanted to park the cart in the line of carts at the store. Mmmhmmm....

Since then I have decided to make it weekly. Pick the best one of the week and share with you. I know it's Wednesday, but yesterday was a Debbie Downer kind of day for me and I didn't think that posting a tantrum sounded like fun...he guess what, I'm allowed to have them. However, my plan is to call them Tuesdays Tantrums.

 

And here is this weeks:

This child threw a tantrum and flung himself onto the couch because there were no more purple popsicles left. There was every other color in the rainbow, but not purple. The kicker is, he doesn't ever choose purple popsicles because he doesn't like the grape flavor. But on this particular day he wanted to try it again to see if he liked them yet, and his plan was foiled because there was not any purple ones left.

Man, I love my kids. Who wants more?