Question #2...really not as light.

Next question, 'Mommy, when are you going to have a baby in your tummy again?' The first few weeks post pregnancy loss, this was a tough question for me to answer without feeling overwhelmingly sad about the entire situation. Now it is a question that I don't even know the answer to. I simply answer, 'I am not sure Kendall, but maybe someday I will.' To which she will reply, 'Well like in 2 weeks?' I will say, 'No not two weeks, but I will let you know when it is there, ok?' This satisfies and pacifies her.

The last two times I had pregnancy losses that I was aware of I didn't have any children, so once I received the clearance from the doctor to start treatments or trying again, I pretty much followed doctors instructions.

First and foremost I will say, this is all my own experience and opinion, each person will obviously experience and do things differently. I am not a medical professional, although google might prove me otherwise.

The protocal is two to three cycles. I have one down. However this time, I am not so eager to jump on the baby making band wagon again. There is that hesitancy due to the chance of another threatened loss. I also had a D & E with this pregnancy which is really not a walk in the park. I originally thought well this is the best option. I will not have to wait for the miscarriage to happen, I can get the surgery and start to move on. Not so much.

It is a painful procedure, pretty much puts you out of commission for a week or so and then the effects linger for about two, and in my case, had my hormones just bottom out. The next day when I started going, my body immediately reacted with, 'hey, where did that baby go!?!?!' I have felt the onset of post partum before, after I had Kendall, and fought my way right out of it after a week or so, with some assistance, which I highly advocate, why not feel normal when you have a baby to take care of? Another subject, another time. So after this loss I started to feel my body react post partumly again, which I didn't recognize at first as that, until I asked google and my doctor if this was normal after an early pregnancy loss. They both assured me that this is true especially after a D & E or a D & C, when the loss isn't gradual the baby is extracted quickly, just like with the birth of a full term baby. Hormones are a crazy thing, especially mine, which I am sure you are finding out.

So I can assure all of you that are wondering if we will try again, and if that is to personal of a question to ask; that yes we are going try for more, and no it isn't too personal of a question. I mean really is there a question that I might deem 'too personal?' I think you know me well enough by now to know the answer to that one.

To answer Kendall's question as to when? Well I am not really that sure of when. I can tell you that when I decide there will be some doctors following me closely. I can tell you that I haven't healed emotionally from the last loss to get excited at the prospect of having another baby. I can tell you that inevitably it is really not our complete decision at all. And I can tell you that I am 100% ok with that.

First Question of Two, from my lovely daughter.

My days are filled with questions from two little voices. From Ethan it is mostly, 'why,' or his new favorite, 'what are you laughing about Mommy?' Whenever I laugh he needs to know why, again entwining two of his most popular questions.

However, I can always count on 2 questions every single day from Kendall. She will always ask them without fail. The first one is, 'can we go to Disney World today?' It is as if one day I am just going to say, 'alright, good idea, let's load up the van, put dinner in the crock pot, and spend a day doing this.' It seems as though since our trip to Sesame Place with her friends Emma & Meghan, a trip to Disney World must go something like that for her since she has no real comprehension of time just that she woke up in her bed that morning, and went to sleep that night in it as well. Oh my love, Disney World is much grander, we don't sleep at home when we go there.

My first excuse instead of going into our tight budget since Mommy only works a part time job so she can stay home and take care of you, and whipping out the dry erase board and power point to explain how the failing economy has taken a direct hit on our lives, it was simply that Ethan was afraid of airplanes. When she asked, I would say, 'well Ethan is afraid of airplanes, and remember we have to get on an airplane to go to Disney. Right E, would you get on an airplane?' To which he would promptly reply, 'no, I scared.' And that was that.

Besides Ethan being afraid to fly, he is also afraid of costumed things, which I have mentioned before, and this could go either way in Disney. He loves Disney characters, but I am not sold that he would not go into complete panic when seeing a real life Mickey Mouse. So could you imagine spending that money on Disney that you really don't have that would be better spent on something else to have him scream and live in anxiety the entire week anticipating a creature lurking around every corner, uh, no thanks.

Kendall quickly found a solution to this flying issue. Other relatives. She knows that Molly & Brynn went to Disney, and so the last time I presented my speech on Ethan and flying, waiting for my little man's response that was the cherry on top of my argument, she says, 'That's ok E, Aunt Amy will take me with Molly and Brynn.'

I have since explained that Molly and Brynn just went to Disney and it costs just so much money to go, and they have to save to get to go again. The next morning, guess who is coming in my room to wake me up with a duffel bag bursting with clothing? Yup. 'Uh where are you going Kendall?' 'Mom Mom and Pop Pop are taking me to Disney World today.' So we had a heart to heart. 'We are not going to Disney until you are a little bit bigger.'

This week Kendall woke up crying due to an accident in her pants in the middle of the night. As I am helping her get changed I ask her why she is crying, accidents happen, in her half asleep state she proclaims to me, 'Now I pee peed in my pants, I am never going to get bigger and go to Disney World!!!!!!!!!!'

The question still comes, now with the added, 'Mommy, am I big enough to go to Disney World today?' For the love.

Polkadot Mama Travel Agency, at your service.

Last night, as I sat talking with one of my favorite people, a sweet little Italian lady from Brooklyn, she asked, 'if you didn't have children, what do you think you would be doing?' You mean besides wishing and praying for them several times daily so much so that it became my sole focus to birth a child of my very own? Oh right, right, so with all the free time I had leftover, I then answered, 'travel.'

Do I have places in mind to travel? Oh you bet your sweet bippy I do. Here are my Top 5:
Of course you get to read all about it, hey maybe I am giving you your next idea for a vacation.

1. Tahiti, more specifically, Bora Bora.
Ok, so this is my numero uno pick. Um, excuse me, but who would not like to stay in one of these bungalows over the water? Go ahead try and resist it, you can't. There are 12 islands that make up Tahiti, the French Polynesia, as a whole, similar to Hawaii with this idea. I specifically chose Bora Bora, because it has been said that it is the most beautiful not just out of the Tahitian Islands, but of all the islands in the world. Despite all that, do you see the water, do you see the view? Come on. Do you see that you have a glass floor in your room that is over water that is clearer than the kids tub on bath night?
Hello Mr. Turtle. It is said that sea turtles live about 75 years, in that case, hopefully I will see you when I come to visit...you'll make it.
Flight time from Philadelphia is 14 hours. I think I could manage.

2. Italy.
In no way shape or form am I Italian. I do not even have one relative that is Italian. However, something about Italy appeals to me, primarily the food and the wine, but the scenery, the art, and the people are all something I would like to experience first hand. I could not even narrow it down to one specific area in Italy I would like to see, and so, I think it is best that we take a month off and tour it off the beaten trail. Take bus, train, and those itty bitty cars and tour the country, the beaches, the mountains and the cities in Italy. Eat gelattos along the rivers, dance to Italian tenors deep into the night. So romantic, I know, I suppose Andy can come. Kidding, duh. I mean, don't you want to eat a big bowl of pasta and sip some wine that you made by stomping on grapes with your own bare feet at this farm? Come with us.

3.San Francisco, Yosemite National Park, & The Napa Valley.
I have no interest in southern California right now, nothing against it, I am just drawn more to the city of San Francisco. It's artsy culture, Lombard Street, Alcatraz, the famous Golden Gate Bridge, it's hills, it's cable cars...out of all the U.S. cities, this is one I would just like to experience the most. I think my fascination with San Francisco started back in the day with 'Full House,' you know in the opening credits where they are sitting in the open field with the Victorian row homes on the hills? I used to think how cool would it be to live there?

And why not hit a national park why we are at it? I think I should start making it a purpose to visit as many national parks as I can since I have been to many. It is only a 3 hour drive or so from San Francisco.
I have also heard that there are different options to traveling to the Napa Valley from San Francisco; ferry, cruise, train, car, air...and I would love to see the Napa Valley. I think I could easily talk Andy into this wine drinking land. I would also like to take a hot air balloon ride over the valley, this I would be doing without Andy, no talking him into that.

4. An African Safari.
Andy has been to Zimbabwe. Loved it. He said he would love to take me back. Listen, I don't care where in Africa it is, I really don't know much about the country, and maybe it's true, we should stick with what we know, however, I want to see animals in their natural element. Enough with these zoos, theme parks recreating safaris. Personally, I always feel bad for these animals in these caged up places having to have humans stare at them day in and day out. The animals never look happy, despite the people who take care of them trying to convince me otherwise. It just isn't natural. This is similar to urges I get while in a pet store to release all of the puppies so that they can run free, I hate that they are kept in those glass front boxes with no one to cuddle them and nowhere to run. I mean this is how bad I am, we have 2 goldfish in a bowl in Kendall's room, and everyday when I feed them, I apologize to them.

I am way into animals, specifically when they are free and in their own element. So I would just about be in my glory on an African safari. Sure I would probably pee my pants and be scared out of my mind if one got super close, but you can't beat that experience. Of course if we went to Zimbabwe, then I could see Victoria Falls, since even though I am terrible with African geography know it is somewhere near there, and Andy thinks that is the most amazing thing in all the world to see.


5. Maldives.
I know, another island vacation. However, I would pick a beach vacation first, over any other.I would certainly do Hawaii in a second, and it is definitely one of my places to go, but this is a dream list, ok? The Maldives is an Asian country, well islands, in the Indian Ocean, can you get further away to reach serenity? Since the Indian Ocean had an terrible earthquake in 2004 causing tsunami's on many of the islands of Maldives, they need our help bringing its tourism industry back, let's get on that. I will volunteer...well if they pay for it, and something tells me they can't. I chose this pic to represent Maldives well because look at that water, could it be any clearer? And look at that hammock. It is screaming my name, I can hear it from here. It is telling me that there is no whining anywhere in its vicinity, and no wash to do, and all it wants me to bring is a big straw sun hat, some sun glasses, and a book.

This flight time is 19 hours from New York, with a pit stop in London. I may go a little batty, but again, I would do it for the hammock.

So there you have it, it was even nice to visit these places in my head as I reviewed my list for you.

I, of course, am not saying you cannot travel when you have kids, but when you don't have kids, you have nothing to miss terribly at home, you can really just pack up and go if you wanted to, and you would even have a little more cash to afford to do this if you spent your money right.

But I happily give up all these destinations to have 2 little ones to go to the Please Touch Museum with, the zoo, camping, so on and so forth. I just showed Kendall the hammock and told her, 'Mommy loves you so much that I gave up lying in this hammock.' She answered, 'well we can hang a pam-ock on the porch for you Mommy.' Something tells me it just ain't the same, but if you see my on my porch, lying in my hammock sipping wine; don't bother me, I just came from Italy with this bottle of wine as a souvenir, and landed in Maldives.

So where is your top vacation picks?

If you didn't know Jack...

If you didn't know our canine friend Jack, then you really missed out.

Pardon the mole on his face that is what happens when we age, weird things pop up on our skin, it's lovely. What is going to happen to me? I started these spots at age 3? Regardless, They say, I don't know who 'they,' are but they say it anyway, that dog's age 7 times faster then us, so that made Jack 91 this year.

When Jack was brought home to live with Mom Mom and Pop Pop they say he was a tyrant, so much so, that when they read Marley & Me, they actually said they thought maybe the book was written about Jack. Jack was actually given up by his previous owners at 7 months because he was, 'untameable.' They missed out on a great dog, but we are so grateful.

I actually don't remember any of this insanity. To me Jack was always a faithful dog. Ok, so he was a bit a nuisance to take on a walk, he actually walked you, and you would holler the entire time for him to slow down, and your arm and shoulder would be sore for days, but that is besides the point.

Jack was the first to greet you when you rode up the drive to the farm, and the last to see you out as he followed you to your car.

Most recently Jack took a particular liking to my little boy, it must be true when people talk about the relationship between a little boy and his dog. Although Jack was not Ethan's, he still followed him around when he was there, slept on the floor of whatever room Ethan was napping in, and was Ethan's loyal companion on the farm.

So Jack will be fondly missed.

Kendall says that he is barking in heaven at us to come play.

Thanks Jackie for being such a good friend, we will miss you.

'I talk to him when I'm lonesome like; and I'm sure he understands. When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands; then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat. For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that.' ~W. Dayton Wedgefarth

Perfectly Potty Trained

This is the universal sign that you have a potty trained little girl on your hands, because she now knows she has gotta go, doesn't really want to go at the particular moment, but knows not to go in her pants.

If you are a girl or own a girl, you know this pose. My day is filled with catching Kendall in this position. Personally, I love that it is instinctual. Because, if you are a girl, you know you've done it...lots of times. I never once taught Kendall that this is how we hold the pee. Of course I tell her when she yells, 'I have to go pee pee,' and there is no potty we can get to within 3 seconds, 'Hold it,' because that is just what you say, implying hold it in, this position is just what comes from having to hold it in.

I am not quite sure why it is thought that this might keep the pee pee in. Let me tell you it doesn't work like a cork on a bottle of wine. Kendall has been running across the lawn in this exact position and the pee has worked its way around and out. I suppose it is the idea that it might just hold it in.

I can remember standing in lines at grocery stores pleading to my mom in this exact position with the added wiggle, (me not my Mom), that I had to go pee. But would have to wait until all things were paid for, loaded in the car, and then we would go back in, if I was lucky. Otherwise I would have to 'hold it,' until I got home. I say my Mom is the lucky one, many a times I just made it. As a result, I can hold my pee like a grand master champion, but also, I now have major sympathy for my little pee-er. When we are in a store and she says, 'I gotta go,' we go. No messing around. Cart is left, and we run, hands assuming the position.

The funny part is, is that Kendall will, 'hold it,' legs crossing over one another, and I will ask, "Kendall do you have to go potty,' and will get a 'No thank you Mommy.' Then she will cross legs, do a little jig one more time, release hands and assume activity, 5 minutes later, 'Kendall do you have to go pee pee?' And all the potty trained girls that she plays with do it, there is no shame in 'holding it,' and doing the pee pee dance. Could you imagine if we as adults still did this, 'held it,' amongst our lady peers until the conversation was done and no one thought we were mental? I think it would be hilarious.

You say, take her anyway. I say, she is in control now. She pees in her pants after I asked her, she is inside. She is potty trained, she knows her limits. And I am telling you, much to our surprise, she makes it to the potty, on her terms, I guess. My strong-willed child. Pick your battles. Good Times.

Sometimes I ask her when she says no and we are not in front of peers, 'well then why are you holding yourself?' Here are some of the creative responses, which have nothing to do with having to go pee-pee, as she holds the expression, duh Mommy, that I have gotten.

- because I have an itch

- because I have a wedgie (perk of being a girl)

- because it feels like something is in there. (Oh, so just checking)

- because I didn't know if I had panties on

- ( My favorite, this was yesterday's) I was looking for my pocket

of my pants. (well it ain't there sister)

I suppose her peers will one day tell her that this isn't a cool thing to do, until then, do what you got to do, just don't go in those pants!

This will hopefull be my last post on Kendall potty training, what an adventure. After a break, I am on to the little man. For some reason, I think this one might be a little worse. Stay Tuned.