Sleepless in Pennsylvania

You may know this you may not, every other Saturday I work a 16 hour shift. What? What is that all about? Yes, 7am to 11 pm, unless you are in the medical arena yourself you are thinking that I have gone crazy. If you are in the medical arena you are thinking, that's nothing try working the double 3pm to 7am. Killer. On the same weekend I then work Sunday 3pm to 11 pm, and then top it off with working every Monday 3pm to 11pm. So it's roughly 40 hours a pay period. A nice part time job. The reason I work the double is so that I am home for one more day out of the week. If I do two shifts in one day, then I am only gone that one day? Following? I could tell you tons about my job and make you laugh from here to bedtime, but then I am breaking privacy laws and who wants that? I will tell you this, that the movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, in which he is aging backwards, your senior years will be much like this, but your appearance will not change like Brad Pitt's did. It seems as though when we hit, I don't know 80 or so, our brain starts to go backwards again. Do you want to know how many arguments I break up between 90 year old women because one of them used the other one's fork by mistake? It is much like my home on a daily basis. I am well equipped for this position.

So in order for me to survive these shifts and come out of it a normally functioning person who can form complete sentences, I need to sleep soundly. I am on my feet all of those hours, going up and down hallways, meeting needs and so on, so it is physically exhausting. On top of that, it is mentally exhausting. Elderly people are unfortunately prone to be lonely people and I get to hear everything from the size of their poop, to how much money they won at Bingo, their latest ailments, and how sick and tired they are of Depends. I would be too. You see what I mean about regression?

So on a typical night, I would arrive home at midnight, lift the children into bed, because Andy likes them all to be together and snuggle to fall asleep when I am working, and then I read to fall asleep. However on this past Saturday night, the evidence of a coming sleepless night is surrounding them, like weapons in crime, it is easily solved. Andy had come home from a golf outing on friday with some cases of a sports beverage that I will leave unnamed. There is two of them empty on the bedside table, one includes the word, 'energy', in the title, the liquid that was in there is red in color. Another is your basic sports beverage, which at one point contained orange liquid. I empty sippy cups which one has a bit of the the red liquid in, one has the orange.

It's a simple equation. 50/50. One of these children consumed the red beverage, the energy beverage. I am not even going to point out who may or may not have given the children these beverages, it could have been a sports beverage fairy. All I know is that I skip the reading for that night. Already knowing what is going to come, and you know it too.

The clock read, 1:52 am.

'Mommy!, Mommy!?!?!'
I enter the child's room.
'Yes Ethan, it's sleepy time, time to go back to sleep.'
'I thirsty Mommy.'
'Ok, come in my room, Mommy will get you water.'
First mistake. Well actually not, at this point we are going on three or four, counting the distribution of the beverage.
I give him the cup of water, lie him in the middle of us, he finishes, I hand him his blankie. I am out.

2:23 am
'Mommy, I want to watch Wiggles.'
'No, E, it is sleepy time, and the Wiggles are sleeping too.'
And I hear it coming, the sniffles, the mouth opening and closing, then the wail.
'BUT I NOT SLEEPY I WANT TO WATCH THE WIGGLES!!!!!!!'
'No, E, now lie down.'
Crying lasts about 5 minutes.
I am out.

2:43 am
'Mommy, I have snack?'
'No, E, it is sleepy time, no snack, when you get up we will have breakfast.'
Again, sniffles, this time fists clenching, then the wail.
'BUT I WANT A SNACK!!!!!!'
'No, E, now lie down and go to sleep, you are going to wake up Kendall.'
Crying again, about 7 to 10 minutes.

3:04 am
'Mommy, I watch Wonder Pets?'
You know where this is going.
'No E, it is sleepy time, the Wonder Pets are sleeping, now lie down.'
No sniffles this time, it's an all out scream,
'I WANT TO WATCH THE WONDER PETS!!!'
'No, E, go to sleep!'
Crying 5 to 10 minutes.
I am out.

I wake up at 3:30 am to pee, he is out. Praise Jesus.

7:15 am. Wake up call for E.
I can smell the coffee.
Andy comes up with a cup for me and then asks E if he wants to go play trucks.
Wait? I look at him. I don't even say a word, it might ruin the moment. I sip the coffee and am back to sleep.

9:30 am
Second wake up.
I hear children coming up the stairs.
Two children.
Wait? That means Kendall got up at some point and went downstairs too. Could this be happening?!!?!

I slept in. The love for my husband surged forth, he had just given me the equivalent of flowers and a night out, and a strawberry margarita.

He is on a roll lately, huh?

I ask Andy at breakfast what those drinks were that he had come home with.
'Oh they were from the golf outing.'
'Oh'
'Kendall and I didn't like the red, we liked the orange, but E liked it.'
'Really? I never would have known.'

So they think they can dance...

So a favorite show in this house is So You Think You Can Dance. I love this show and yes even sometimes I laugh at Mary Murphy. I do. It's her gig people, she is supposed to be obnoxious.

The kids love to dance to it, and I love to pick a winner and get all mad when they don't win. For instance I picked Brandon, clearly not a judges favorite in the beginning. I thought he might be doomed since Mia Michaels had it in for him, but he pulled through, second place. I am sure he will be on tour with like Celine Dion or something. Wait, she is pregnant with an 8 year old frozen embryo, so maybe like Whitney Houston or something.

The new season starts September 9th. We don't have to wait an entire year for it to be on again. I am a little nervous. If it isn't a summer show will it be ruined? Is this too much dancing for everyone?

Mia Michaels is by far my favorite choreographer. I love when she gets all emotional over a dance. I also love that she isn't some stick figure dancer. That woman has some booty. Clearly loving dance and life. Not that I think if you are thin you aren't happy. But there is something to be said about curves.

Regardless. I dig this site, Jib Jab, you can make really silly videos from your pictures. I have done it before. Kendall and Ethan cracked up at this one. They thought it was the best thing they have ever seen. I must have played it at least 60 times for them in one sitting. Tears come to Kendall's eyes.

So without further ado, Kendall and Ethan's audition tape for So You Think You Can Dance. I don't know, for some reason they didn't get on. I like a good disco, apparently Nigel didn't.

Check it out HERE

Our Fearless Leader Child

What makes a person have zero to no fear? And if they don't have it are they deemed courageous? Because sometimes having no fear can lead to some pretty stupid mistakes. I wouldn't call someone who jumped in a pond filled with alligators courageous.

Kendall possesses little to no fear, and sometimes it makes me a little worried. Like will more fear, at some point, set in? I don't want her in a pond with alligators. Kendall is only afraid of the lawn mower. Maybe she has weird dreams about lawn mowers, or maybe if there is a past life she was a landscaper that got run over by a mower? I don't believe in past lives, so that isn't really possible, but oh wouldn't that be just terrible to be run over by a lawn mower? Whatever makes her fearful of them I am glad, because it isn't like she will ever have to mow the lawn, so she can be scared all she wants. She has a brother. Blessed.

Now Kendall loves amusement parks, carnivals, things with rides, safe looking or not so safe looking. She loves to ride her bike really fast.She likes to jump off diving boards and go down water slides head first. And I will tell you what, she gets mad if you tell her she is too little to do something, the reaction is pure fury. HOW DARE YOU!?!?' She has to climb to the highest point in a playground. She likes to be around animals, large and small. She also likes to you know, just hold a giant worm. Oh wait, she is afraid of those giant cicada killers we have going on right now. That exterminator that did the neighborhood did a real bang up job since they still circle the children's heads when they ride their bikes by. Those things give me the creeps they are all big and bright and dig these holes, really they are just gross. So can you blame her from being scared? I think I saw the exterminator running after spraying a hole.

I experienced the full realm of Kendall's fearlessness at this po dunk carnival we were at. I was extremely skeptical of all the rides, but it was the second night of the event, and no one had died yet, so if we stay on the kiddie rides the worst that can happen is someone loses a chunk of hair or a finger. I don't know. So Kendall goes on a few of the children's rides. Why is it that at carnivals the rides go at warp speed? Is it just me? She then goes down a giant slide with Andy that she wanted to do by herself. She made these terrible scared faces when going down because of the hills and bumps. When she got off I asked her if that had scared her, she was already in movement to the next ride and shouted over her shoulder, 'Nope.'

The next ride. The Ferris Wheel. She wanted to try out the Ferris Wheel, ran right up into line, she probably would have gotten on alone. Now in the past I have never really been nervous on amusement rides. My adrenaline went up sure. I would get a little bit of butterflies right before flying down a hill, or when someone was dropping you and your friends out of the sky attached to each other and a bungee in a flying position to swing back and forth. But now I am all out nervous. I think it is because I have life to sustain and live for, I am not done with these kids. Yet once in awhile, I am clearly not nervous enough to not do it, like I don't know, say my husband. And so I agree to this ride, someone has to. I climbed into that seat with Kendall and her friend Sarah. I sat right in the middle of them. Part of me expected them to scream in fear when we reached the top for our first time up and around, and then that would be the end of the ride, we can get off and on with our lives.

Oh, no, no no. They were screaming with delight as I gripped the rails trying not to display my fears, yet even if I had, I don't think it would have phased them. The second time around Kendall felt the seat rock a bit as Ferris Wheel seats do, and she yells out, 'hey this thing rocks back and forth like a rocking chair, let's do it!' Uh yeah, I put a stop to that and let her know that we aren't supposed to rock the chairs we will have to get off if we do. And you aren't supposed to rock the chairs, alright? I know amusement ride rules. So then we go around the next time and she says, 'I wish I could fly.' I mean who doesn't wish they could fly? O.k., people that are fearful.

Kendall is the person on the roller coaster with her hands in the air. She even did it on the kiddie roller coaster at this place where the thing whips around turns and is all jerky. The little boy who rode with her, God Bless him, he must have gotten smacked in the head 56 times.

Then we move on. She did the Ferris Wheel I guess that qualified her for big people rides. Sarah's cousin who is with us she is about 12 years old comes and asks me, 'can Kendall ride the Scrambler with me?' She bypasses her brother, all other adults we are with, and picks the three year old to ride this ride with her. Yeah, Kendall is going to be that kid. The 'go to' person when you want to do something daring and/or mischievous,she will be the ally. Because certainly if Kendall does it, and she does it with you, your punishment won't be as bad, you won't die alone, and you know she is going to be all in without a second thought, its fun. I had those friends. Of course I was typically the person in search of an ally. Oh the trouble we would cause. Another time, that might require a book, not just a blog, oh the adolescent years.

I have her stand in line. Surely this gentleman running the ride, taking the tickets, would take out that little pole and measure the little children about to board this ride. And this carney lets them through. Two three year old children, a smidgen over 3 feet, onto this ride, I say 2 because well Sarah just followed all the kids, no idea to what is awaiting her. Her mother and I start to get nervous for our little baklavas, the men, the fathers, just say, 'what's the worst that could happen?' I don't know, brain damage, flying off the ride when whipping around the corner since there is no safety harnesses to name a few. But I let her on. I see her sit in the middle, her and Sarah's tushes sitting between the two older kids in the group. The door locking them in shuts, and I can't even see their faces, just these ponytails, I tell her to look up, she is all smiles. At the completion of the ride I hear what it was like from the older kids before I see Kendall. 'Sarah and Kendall kept bumping their heads into each other, we couldn't stop it.' I expect the worst, tears, blood, bruises, concussions. Around the corner comes my daughter, laughing. I ask her how it was, 'Me and Sarie kept slamming our heads together, it went so fast,' and she is just laughing. Brain Damage, for sure. I needed to google symptoms.

She then looks to the ride beyond the Scrambler, this death machine that locks you into this box that rocks and flips, and goes around and around like a Ferris Wheel, only I am certain vomit is involved. She points, and before the words even come out of her mouth, I grab the pointed finger place it back at her side and tell her that Mama wants her to live to see 4. We go onto the flying elephants which I am sure is equivalent to watching Barney all day when you are used to big kid shows like Maggie and the Ferocious Beast. Life just isn't fair.

I somewhat admire Kendall's fearlessness. It allows her to experience things she otherwise wouldn't. It will allow her to dream bigger. I also admire her intelligence. I know at some point it will counter balance the fearlessness and we all will live happily ever after. Until then, can I get a lawn mower on stand by to drive by the next time she wants to climb a tree to the tippity top? That should stop that idea before it even gets started and she will be back safe in my arms, where she belongs.

The Budding Artist

There will be a post today about the darling Kendall, but that will hopefully take place at nap time. In the meantime, I have this little preview of what she has been doing on these super hot days when Mommy keeps them in so they don't melt during the peak hours of the day. Alright, so I don't like the crazy heat, like you do. Go grab a popsicle. What about those storms last night? At least the siding was power washed as a result, since no one around here seems to want to do that.

Back to my sweets, she seems to always have a recipient of her artwork she is working on and where they should place it for all the world to see.

Highly Recommended: A few days away from the kids.

No really, call me what you will. It is fabulous to get reacquainted with yourself and your spouse. After I got home from dropping my children at my parents, the house was eerily quiet. I mean and our house is loud. There wasn't the sound of tattle tailing, books being yanked off shelves, toys flying through the air, cars and trucks crashing into the wall trim. There wasn't someone following me around, 'Mommy where are you going with that? Mommy, I am thirsty. Mommy what is there for a snack? Mommy can we go outside with our friends? Mommy can you wipe me, there is still poopy. Mommy, I got boogies, get dem.' Was there life before the chaos? Seriously some days I should count the demands, requests.

In preparation for our weekend away I really coached Kendall and Ethan. I wanted them to fully get that I was going away with Daddy, and that unless they ended up in the emergency room, we weren't coming home until Sunday. I would remind them on walks, we get a lot of talking done on walks, I would say remember you are going to sleep at Mom Mom and Pop Pop's for two nights. Ethan would then in typical fashion ask, 'Why?' Kendall would then reply, 'Because Mommy has been married to Daddy for a really long time.' 'Oh.'

Yup. That's right, we ladies, we deserve something for being married for a really long time, and don't let them forget it. It's definitely not wrong that my daughter thinks this. Set the bar high is what I say, and don't do their laundry for them until you are married to them, and even then, teach them how to sort and turn the thing on. And I think it's important for Ethan to know: you take that wife of yours away, you give her the moon, she is going to birth your children and wash your streaked up boxer briefs. Not that I know anything about that previously mentioned item.

I want to meet the people who created this sign and didn't think it was cheesy, but romantic, and then hit them over the head. Fortunately for us, this person was only hired to design the sign, and not the entire place.

My dear husband, he took me away to the mountains for some time away. People actually asked me what my name was. You know when you are out and about with your children, people will ask, 'oh what's your name little girl?' Once you have children there is no association with you. Not that I would enjoy people asking my name every time I was in Target, 'Oh what's your name lady?' I am just saying that you simply become your child's entourage. Forget the fact that you wipe their butts and taught them how to speak, you are now second fiddle. So when people actually associated with me without my two shining starts to initiate the conversation, I really didn't know what to say. Me? Who will talk about anything and everything? Yeah, well it just so happens that besides swapping child rearing secrets, I got nothing to offer to adult conversation. It was like learning how to ride a bike all over again, but I am proud to say that by Saturday the training wheels were taken off. Ok, ok, so I had some strawberry margaritas, and maybe a sangria or two.

When we got there on Friday night after a brief detour because someone forgot his wallet at home. I mean it couldn't have been Andy because he always remembers everything, and I am the one with the dementia. And like a good little soldier, I kept my mouth shut, until we got home and the front door was wide open. Apparently forgetting your wallet and to shut and lock the front door go hand in hand. Who knew? Dinner was being served until 8 p.m., at this point on our second departure to go 90 minutes tops, Andy was all aggravated. I said to him, we will have plenty of time to eat, I mean how long do you really need to eat, he replied, 2 hours, I am going to eat and eat, and he promptly hit the steering wheel. Seriously folks, we were done in 30 minutes after one plateful. I am not going to say it, not going to, I just won't even tell you that I am always right.

After dinner we went to check out our room which had a pool in it. No, nothing Olympic size, but let me just tell you that it was big enough and deep enough for Andy to do a cannon ball into. Unfortunately no photo was taken of this. I didn't think you would want to see a bare butt in cannon ball pose anyway. I mean I am sure there can be a reenactment for you upon request. And you will be happy to know, in case you were wondering, no, nothing was injured, and we can only hope he can still produce his end of the deal in baby making. But there was water splashed all over the place and a slight typhoon hit all over the edges of the pool.

Saturday morning we went golfing on the little 9 hole course they have there. Andy had already put in 9 holes before I got up because like any mother on vacation our top priority is sleeping in. Andy was up for his morning swim and out the door before I even got one eye open. He then attempted to teach me to golf. This is his extent of teaching me: Hole One. This is how you stand, this is the way your body should turn, don't take your eye off the ball. One hit. Oh, excuse me, I got to put it once too, I think on like hole 8. Not that I have some burning desire to play golf. He tried. Andy is one of those who will never ever be able to coach any of Kendall's teams. Every last girl will go home in tears vowing to never play again, Andy will call the team hopeless, Kendall will be dubbed the girl with the ball hogging father, and this was just the 5 year old team. So I acted as caddy, simply just told him, 'use the driver, and aim that way.' I think we have a future in the PGA Championships. I at one point asked him how he knew to use a certain club, and his reply was, 'because I am that good.' Have I ever told you my husband is slightly cocky when it comes to athletics? It must have slipped my mind.

Why yes those are raccoon eyes from mascara, because yes, I actually wore make up during the day.

Later we played some games, indulged in gluttonous behavior with a 5 course steak dinner, went back and hung out in our room so Andy could try out some new daring jumps into the pool, and soaked in the hot tub. Do I even have children, what are their names again? That night we went again to listen to a band, and I may or may not have been seen on the dance floor with the band's tambourine shaking it to the beat. It's debatable. I will deny everything. We then watched a stand up comedian. Why are they called Stand Up Comedians? Are there Sit Down Comedians? Are they more funny?

Yesterday we slept in. Hard. I slept in on a Hugh Hefner inspired bed and probably slept as soundly as he does each night. There is something about round beds. I don't know it could have also been the fact that I had 10 down pillows to get lost in, and again, those margaritas. Why are they so good? We then had breakfast and it was my turn to pick the activities. We went on a bike ride, went pedal boating on the lake, and then went miniature golfing, much more my speed. I then was ready to go. I missed them. I missed my babies. I wanted to squeeze their cheeks, hug them tight, have them make requests, demands of me.

Today we are back to reality. Wake Up Call #1: 6 a.m. to get Andy off to work, because, I do that. Wake Up Call #2: 8:30 a.m. I attempted to stay awake to see the announcement of the new Dancing with the Stars cast, but the first cup of coffee failed to do its job. I also get to go to work at 3 today. Awesome. We are watching Yo Gabba Gabba, Ethan in a giraffe costume and Kendall is of course a princess. I have broken up 3 fights, cleaned up cold scrambled eggs off the floor, and changed a poopy diaper.

There is something to be said about weekends away. It's refreshing. Like water after you have been out in the hot sun. Or like a strawberry margarita when you haven't had one in years. Sugar, not salt on the rim. Did I tell you I enjoyed my margaritas?

There is also something more to be said about home, and not getting asked what my name is, because after all, once they arrive, you really are chopped liver, and I love every bit of it.