I'm a crier.
Like a low down and dirty crier.
What I have found while being a crier, is that there is all types of cries. Because all types of things deserve different reasons to cry. I mean, why not?
I cry some in happy times. Like when I am holding my baby nephew. I can feel the tears. Because he is just so perfect, and he is just so sweet. And I can give him right back to his mama and daddy for the night.
But that little nugget is a whole other post of his own. I'm talking about the sloppy tears.
Take for instance the movie, The Notebook. It's like one of those movies that I just cry to because I'm stupid. I know I 'm going to cry when I watch it, I cry every time. To me it's simple; write me love letters every day for a year and send them to me. In the mail. When I'm not talking to you. Because I'm angry with you for being a jack ass. And then when I do decide to come and see you, you best give me a movie star kiss in a thunderstorm. I mean,why not expect someone who will read me our love story when I succumb to my inevitable loss of memory? You wrote me letters for a year...surely you have something to go off of!
I don't think its too much to ask of someone to know all the right things to say at the right time so that I am left speechless. Oh, I have verbal diarrhea? It's easy to plug it up. And it's just a handy man that will build me a house when I'm not talking to him so I can paint naked in it someday when I return, nothing major. Ok, so maybe not the last one, I mean the house, sure thing, but I am not a very good painter and doing it naked would surely not be considered elegant in any way.
But I sit and cry and cry and cry. Not feeling sorry for myself, but maybe feeling sorry for all those dumb guys out there that don't realize just how simple it actually is. Dude, you want to go and play in mud for the afternoon with your toys? We don't ask much. All you have to do is take us out on a row boat for about an hour in the morning, say silly things to us that give us sea legs, row us on back to shore, and we are set for the day. I do wonder though if Nicholas Sparks is a hopeless romantic for his wife. What a disappointment it would be to find that he isn't. I would feel so misled.
This did not begin with The Notebook or any other sappy movie at this point in my life. One of my friends growing up and I, used to sit and watch the movie Beaches just to cry. Like that was our purpose.We would have sleepovers, and then on a random saturday mornings, would agree to watch the movie just so we could cry. And then proceed to watch it with more friends so that we could all cry. I mean I suppose you could call it cathartic or pathetic. Either way, to this day, if Wind Beneath My Wings came on in some department store, I would certainly fill up a bit. So this mellow drama with crying at movies is a life long commitment to tears. Bring over your tear jerker, I will totally cry with you.
Then there is that crying when you don't want to cry, and you twist your face up in all different shapes and expressions. I am certain that I look like an idiot, but at least I didn't cry. Victory! This as expected, occurs at the worst and most awkward of times. Specifically because I am around people that I may not feel comfortable crying around or I really wasn't expecting the tear attack. So if I have really got a jump on the impending tears, I will yawn. Because everyone gets tears in their eyes when they yawn, duh. But if the tears do do a sneak attack, brought on from like an unexpected upsetting text I receive while standing in line to purchase some really great leg warmers, and next thing I know it's my turn, I do face contortions to stop them. 'I know I look stupid cashier lady. I know I look like there is some imaginary man punching me in the face, but see if I don't do this, I will cry, and do you really want my snot to touch my debit card that I want you to charge.'
And there are just people you don't want to cry around. It usually takes a connection to be comfortable enough to have tears and snot spewing down your face in front of them. Although I have been in tears in front of strangers, this is very awkward. Not recommended, refer back to necessary face contortions, because its always better to look like there is something is wrong with you then actually cry. I mean show humility, what ?!!?!?! I jest, but for real, its a personal thing to cry for some people, myself included. It's like showing someone your inside, and I've got some pretty thick walls protecting those suckers.
Then there is that cry if you are a girl, and perhaps the occasional guy, no shame fellas, that you just like throw yourself on the bed heaving in sobs. This is done primarily alone, in the company of your one and only best friend, your mom, or in my special case my mom mom, or your sisters. It's the important ones, and its one or all of the above. All of these people I have mentioned have seen my breakdown cries and they are just ugly. Its sound affects. Its from the pit of you sound affects that just need to come out sometimes to feel completely released. It's everything you are saying not making sense. Sounds something like gibberish with breaths in the middle.
These breakdowns may or may not occur around a specific special time for a lady. And if they do it can sometimes explain a lot. 'Oh so I'm not losing my mind...where's the tampons...I don't have any...nooo....why am I never prepared...it's been twenty years...I have dementia...(crying again).' However, that is definitly not always the case, as you all well know. All sorts of things can bring on one of these episodes. It is near the end of one of them that you now look like you were punched double fisted in the eyes and you realize you can no longer breath out of your nose and it could perhaps be like this for a few days depending on the length of breakdown. And you're all wiping your snot and eyes with your palm, wrist, arm, sleeve, anything.
My sisters and I have this 'special' little thing that some other 'special' people have, and that is crying when other people cry. We just fill up and let them drip on down when someone is crying to us. It's going to happen every time. You know, your friend crying to you because their baby just went to preschool for the first time, yup, I'm crying with them. And if I cry telling my sisters, they cry too. Some may call it a huge sense of empathy and compassion. That is so very nice of you. We just call it, 'special.'
I will be honest, crying for me is usually triggered by a realization of me not having control, and that can scare the hell out of me. No control over circumstance, pain, hurt, frustration, anger, confusion, so on and so forth. It's no secret now that I have been through some really shitty times lately, having to really let go, in order to make progress. So crying it is!
For the most part I will cry alone because when you're a mom you have to cry when everyone is asleep or when you are in the shower, otherwise your kids start to panic about existence. 'If she's crying how is she going to remember exactly how I want my lunch packed!?!! How will we get through a game of Clue!?!?! Who will bake the cookies!?!?!
However, when I have chosen to brighten someones days with a crying spell, I occasionally found myself apologizing while crying in front of them,'I'm so sorry I'm crying to you like a loser, (sniffing snot), you must be ready to slap me across the face or go and get your belt and give me something to cry about.'
But I have come to realize that those closest to you want to hear your heart and not tell you to shut up. So being upset about being paranoid about being upset is just plain dumb. That I am.
My dearest friend actually feels upset about something that has occurred to me before it even hits me to be upset about it. And let me tell you, these are the people you want on your side of the fence. She sticks up for me before I even know I need her to. And when I reach that point she is ready and willing to help, given she has had some prep time. I'm really loving the people I have chosen to be on my side of the fence. There is something to be said about weeding.
I have come to realize that your should not let anyone dull your emotions. People should feel honored you are crying in front of them. It's real and it's raw.
Or if you are crying because of them, they might want to have some sort of padding on just for safety precautions. I'm not sure how anyone cannot feel sympathy when another is crying in front of you. But it happens. I've bared witness and experienced this first hand, and there is nothing more crushing. Don't be that guy.
I have come to realize that crying doesn't always have to signify emotional instability and a deep dark depression. Because along side of those breakdowns, I had happiness and felt love.
And I most likely would not have felt any of that if I wasn't so open with my emotions.
Sure, crying is typically a pretty low point. It's feeling pain at it's finest.
But it's such a release.
It feels good to let out that pit of you emotion.
You should try it.
Get some solid people on your side of the fence and let it out.
There is something to be said about me watching Beaches with that friend of mine and crying when I was merely a 'tween.' It was about finding people you are most vulnerable and comfortable around and sharing your heart.
I have come to realize that crying is the letting go of something old and the awakening of something new.
I have felt hurt. Felt alone. Felt defeated. Felt betrayed. Felt scared.
And I cried.
I have cried all by myself. I have cried in front of my important people.
I will continue to cry.
And when I have let it out and felt, I then turn the corner.
And crying then becomes empowering.
at 2:29 PM