The reason is simply just like this; you get to coddle, spoil, smoosh, and love on a little baby with all your might and then when the moment hits be like, 'ok. that was fun, here's your fussy baby back I think it wants YOUR boob.' O.k. so I totally didn't breast feed my kids. WHAT!?!?!?!? It goes like this....even if my milk had come in fully, even if I hadn't gotten thrush, even if I knew I would get over the razor blades babies have stored under their gums that come out upon sucking, I just don't think I would have stuck with it. You breast feed, awesome. I didn't. As I look out my window upon children racing through the yard screaming at each other I think they are doing alright. Perhaps not genius', but they will be able to obtain employment.
So my sister who was married last year is now officially 'with child.' You go through the waiting period of 12 weeks to announce this to the world because of all the sucky 'what ifs' that some people, like me, go through and then you are like, 'HEY!!!! I'M NOT JUST GETTING FAT FOR FUN PEOPLE!!! NO, I AM NOT TRYING TO ATTEMPT TO LOOK LIKE THE WALKING DEAD!!! I AM PREGNANT!!!'
Then they only tell immediate family, then extended, then facebook, and then your sister can blog about it. It's all about order people.
I will toot my horn and totally say I knew it probably about the same time she found out she was pregnant. Listen...I am like the 'with child' whisperer. No, I am totally not, but I know how a newly pregnant person acts because of course I acted like this as well, and I am totally a people watcher and very nosey. What?!?!?! Come on. Me??? Nosey??? I dare you to try and hide something from me.
So my sister came to one of my child's birthday parties looking like she hadn't slept in approximately 73.5 days, the slightly dark circles under the eyes were just rearing their ugly head. I turned to my other sister and said, 'yo, she's pregnant.' Other sister was like, 'no, I don't think so, didn't she have wine?' Then I was like, oh yeah, this sister has not had something growing in her uterus attempting to take over your entire body, so her opinion right now isn't very reputable as much as I love her. As I was sitting next to possibly pregnant sister, her hubs then came up to her and was like, 'hey babe, you need anything? Drink of water, maybe?,' and then proceeded to lovingly brush her hair back. And all of you that have been with child are like, 'oh yes, of course, that was the icing on the cake.'
Poor fellow. He is a newbie at this. There are code words and statements you do not say aloud around other women unless you of course want them to know you are talking in code. I do agree, this man is a sweetheart and thoughtful, and all that. But asking your wife who looks like she rose from the dead, who has not stated that she is not feeling well, if she needs anything at your inlaws house is code for, she is with child.
The Future Madre y Padre.
So I just waited it out, and would tell her every so often that she was pregnant just to make her feel awkward. I mean what is a big sister for, really?
So...on to 'Aunt Land,' I go. I am truly truly so very excited. I love me babies and a growing family. I love the way a baby smells. My nose will be afixed to this child's scalp. Totally normal, promise. I can't wait to swaddle that turkey up nice and tight in its blankie and hold it until my arm wants to fall off. This probably sounds like I would want another of my own. I assure you, this is not the case. Besides that, my ovaries just walked out the door with suitcases.
Totally weird though when your sister gets knocked up. I mean not in the, I know what you do behind closed doors, type of thing. Just that this is the person you used to torment endlessly and now they are giving life to a little soul. You try so very hard to keep a tight lip as someone goes through pregnancy. Most especially when you are the oldest sister and typically always have an opinion. Just sayin. So you try to let their experience be their own, and not being all like, 'yes, you see its true, I wasn't exaggerating being pregnant, is in fact miserable.'
Best part is about this picture is that I totally remember this outfit and on most days when recalling my sister in my head this is what she still looks like. And she's going to be a MOTHER!?!?
Here are some other fun facts you do not share with pregnant sibling:
1. That pain in your back honey, oh that's just the beginning, wait until that thing rests its ass on your sciatic nerve for 8 weeks because it seems like a really awesome place to nest and grow. That decision will now affect you for life.
2. Oh, you're in the second trimester now? Sleep like your life depends on it. Because in fact, it does. This is it. Once that thing has reached maximum space capacity at about in your uterus and decides to stretch out your skin with all its might until it decides its a good day to make it's appearance up until the age of maybe your youngest leaving home, sleep as you know it now, is gone forever. The second trimester is now your safe place.
3. I am aware that you do not want to know the sex, so don't study closely because hamburger buns are a girl and a bunless hot dog is a boy. Ultrasounds have come a long way. I knew Jake was a boy before the woman even pointed his weens out.
4. You are really not eating for two. I really hate to break it to you. You will give birth, and a few days later convince yourself that there is another one in there that they forgot to take out. Sadly, this is not true. Do not go home and attempt to put on anything other then the yoga pants your wore until you were the size of a small house. Muffin top takes on a whole new meaning. Its more like, science experiment gone wrong and goo is puddling over the top of your pants.
5. Privacy? I don't even know what the meaning of this word is anymore. There is no privacy after having children. So if you, or your hubs is not o.k. with an audience while using the bathroom or dressing and changing, well you probably should start practicing now or hold everything until they are fast asleep, but even then, this is not a guarantee to privacy. I, however, do not volunteer to be the gopher.
7. Listen, I don't think I need to mention anything more then that word listed above. My sisters have watched me birth a child. But let me tell you something, although you may now have a good idea about time frame and what to expect with the whole delivering a child thing, nothing, absolutely nothing, not even the best doula in the world, can prepare you for birth. I have done it three times and wouldn't know how to prepare someone fully. All I can sum it up is as, it will hurt like a mother f-----. It will end though. You think you are dying, but it will end...eventually.
8. Along those same lines, epidural. Dude, don't go all She-ra on me. Birth in a pool, birth in a hot tub in your back yard, just make sure the anesthesiologist makes house calls and you have proper extension cords needed for the I.V. Nothing, not even your mom, can coax you through this pain. Take a trip on the modern medicine train, thank Jesus for it, and let them stick that needle in your back. They could have stuck a needle in my eye at that point and told me I would be blind in that eye for life and I still would have been like, 'GIVE ME THE MEDICINE!!!!'
9. Things are just going to start happening to your body that are just really unattractive. They are totally not controllable, so go with it. Case in point, that one day you get in the shower and your breasts are squirting milk out like they are super soakers. Yes, I realize you did not sign up for this. Wait until you go to take your first dump after birth, how about that? You will now be convinced that there indeed is another child that was left in there, and it got its directions confused. And whatever you do, don't take a mirror to the nether regions. Horror.
10. You are going to do things and say things you never dreamed you would ever do. Like study a child's poo and overly obsess about it. You will look out windows in the dark of night and cry because everyone is sleeping out there but you and this child. You will taste milk that is not from a cow just to make sure it isn't too hot. You will walk around with spit up down your back all day because you didn't know it was there, and everyone else felt so bad for you so they didn't mention it. You will go days without a shower...you say no way, but you will, it will be so long you will sniff your pits and really have to think about when the last time your showered was. You will contemplate securing a pillow over the face of the child's father who just sleeps and snores the night away as if there is not a wide awake child in your arms.
But see, I would never let my sister know all this unless of course she asked. I will just welcome her to the club and give her that reassuring nod that comes with having endured a battle so great, that only the strong survive.
Seriously, thank god I am going to be an aunt.
T minus six months until the little turkey arrives.
Totally a boy. Calling it right now.