How to not Lose a Tooth

I'm pretty sure my child goes through an episode of amnesia when losing each and every tooth in her mouth. It's as if she cannot remember that once the tooth comes out she was elated, remarking at how easy that was, laughing at her ridiculousness.

Because here's what.

When Kendall has a loose tooth we are take shelter in our own personal bomb shelters that protect us from her moody and dramatic episodes regarding the tooth until it finally just falls out. It literally has to be at the point where it just drops out of her mouth for her to be ok with all of it.

It starts like this:

"Mommy! My tooth is loose! See!?!?'
This is the beginning we all look at each other knowing the escape plan, careful to make no sudden moves. It is at the beginning that she lets us wiggle it, admire it, be excited about it, plan for the tooth fairy to come fluttering around our house like the entire process was a joyful coming of age event.

However. After this initial wiggle, that's it. She becomes unlike every other kid who sits and wiggles it all day, turning and twisting, willing it to come out. She actually will only wiggle it once a week or so. However, will ask daily, in fact several times daily:

"Mommy, when do you think this tooth will fall out? Like a week? Next month? Before Halloween/"

"Hey Kendall, maybe you should wiggle it and twist it a little bit, then it will loosen up and come out faster. I really have no idea of knowing though."

"You're kidding, right? I can't wiggle it!! It will hurt!! You really have no idea?"

"No."

Sometimes in the moments when I see her doing her weekly tooth wiggle, I will avoid eye contact and slowly back out of the room as to not stir up the drama.

For if I do not escape, I get:

"Mom, it is so super loose, please tell me how to get it out, please help me, I just want it out."

"Kendall, you need to wiggle it, twist and turn it. Want me to give it a try?"

"WHAT!?!?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Are you seriously telling me you are going to touch my tooth, that is so gross. No way."

It is in the moment I want to say...."You think that's gross, hey guess what? YOU CAME OUT OF MY VAGINA, COVERED IN BLOOD AND SLIME!!!" But I don't. I could think its weird that the same child who picks her nose, or licks spatulas with her brothers thinks that a finger of her mothers in her mouth is gross. But we are talking about a child who is going to win an Oscar, and they all have some weird issue to write a book about, so I let it slide.

So another few weeks goes by.

The tooth is now literally hanging by a thread.
When she talks to me it is blowing in and out with each breath.
I am almost reaching for safety googles because I think it might fly out and hit me in the eye.

And here's what. At this point most people might refrain from eating things that may prove difficult. Like lets say an apple. Corn on the cob. Gum. A Starburst. Nope, not Kendall. She will contort her entire jaw so that she can eat said food without disrupting the tooth.

"Hey Kendall, you know I lost my teeth when I was little and I was pretty good at getting them out, want some pointers?"

"No, this is going to hurt so bad."

"Kendall, it is hanging by one root, it is ready to come out."

"No, it is a thick root this time, like really thick, thicker then last time, I checked."

We are at the point that if she shuts her mouth, the tooth is hanging out. She is snaggle tooth.

Then there is the dreadful night.
She will climb onto the the counter in the bathroom and sit herself in front of the mirror, and start to wiggle it.
We all attempt to run for cover. My poor boys.
There is no escape. It happens every time.
She sits up here at bathtime, while they are immersed in bubbles.
She wiggles and then starts sobbing. Its the same every time. She has the script perfected.

"Look at the blood. Oh my gosh. There's alot. Oh my gosh. It's gushing. There is so much more then last time. Mommy. Mommy. It is going to hurt so bad."

"Kendall just twist it, it will just rip right free."

The tooth is now of the gum and it is dangling by a root. I'm not kidding. Every single time.

"Kendall, it has to come out. Please just let me take it out for you. Shut your eyes."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! There is too much blood."

"Remember last time, same thing, and it didn't even hurt."

"Are you sure!!?!? This tooth is different. I know it. Oh my gosh what if it falls out while I am sleeping!?!? 'O' at school told me that if I swallow it, it comes out in my poop, the tooth fairy doesn't go after it."

I seriously am engaging in this conversation about whether or not a tooth fairy digs through poop.

"Kendall, if it falls out of your mouth, the tooth fairy comes. Whether you swallow it or you lose it. She knows it has come out and she is ok with not getting a tooth every time, she will still come, you can leave her a note explaining it"

"Ohhhhh....look at my poor mouth."

Slobber and blood dripping off the chin.

Boys now shouting, "Twist it, wiggle it!!"

And every time.

Bath time over. Sitting reading or watching a show and eating a snack.

"Oh, hey Mommy, my tooth just came out."

And there it is in all its glory between her two fingers every time.
She is calm as a cucumber.
She writes a lovely letter for the tooth fairy and leaves her a treat.
Smiles big for the camera.
Falls fast asleep.
Completely forgets the ending of the tooth saga.
Every time.